live. laugh. love.

there’s something about this song that totally moves me. maybe it’s because i’ve heard it in some amazing live sets this year & it makes me think of just letting go, dancing, having fun & living life, but whatever it is i’m obsessed. had to share.

healthy obsession

That balance… that damn balance that I’ve been trying to get seems to get further & further away. I started this year with the attitude of “you live once” and I have been having an amazingly fun year so far! In the midst of it though, I have very little time to myself and I admit that I’ve set up my days that way. Not necessarily on purpose, but I’ve realized 8 months into this year that doing this makes my “walking contracting” life even moreso. I’m either on-on-on & on the go or just down, sleepy and very blah. I’ll admit I haven’t had a ton of those down blah moments, but I have had a few recently. The last time I wrote was in mid-June… funny thing is that I’ve counted since then a total of 9 free days (free days meaning NOTHING planned, so some were just a dinner or a low key hang out, but still…) that’s 9 out of 87 days (I’m counting til next Monday which is my next free day.) But how the hell can I complain?! I’ve been able to travel, hang out w/ the people I love and just LIVE! But those moments that I’m the total opposite have seemed to hit me a little harder. On the plane back from Hawaii I was watching the in-flight movie (Just Go With It) and yea, Adam Sandler is good for some laughs – really a good movie for a plane ride, but all of a sudden I started crying! At the time I truly thought it was because the 2nd half of the movie was in Hawaii and I was really sad to leave it – but when the movie was over & I was laughing at myself for being a lame sap I was trying to figure out why I was really crying. I had just had a week of the most beautiful place, filled with amazingly fun times w/ 2 of my closest friends and even got to throw in the Love Festival… so why the hell was I sad? I didn’t want to know, so typical me, I brushed it aside and went on my streak of go-go-go.

Since I’ve written, Beth had a baby boy (Oskar,) I started a new job & saw 11 shows (5 being festivals.) I picture a huge “Y” where each tip is one of those things, but all are far at the other end of the spectrum. I remember when I learned that it is truly possible to fall in love very quickly when my sister had Khai & Karina. I was reminded again when Oskar was born. I was able to go to the hospital when he was about 5-6 hrs old and just wanted to hold him forever. Two of my closest friends now have that life I thought I always wanted when I was younger. Married. Dog. Home. Baby. I love it for them, I love being in their lives & sharing those experiences… but it makes me scared. Scared that I won’t have it or that I don’t know if I want it? I have no idea. Now, THAT is scary. Then the job… I LOVED having that 9 months off, I had planned on riding that out for the rest of the year, but circumstances happened and I was presented with a great opportunity with an amazing company – it was what I was looking for in terms of business development, strategic sales and something I’d be able to feel challenged. I’m lucky to have passed the intensive recruiting process and started in mid-July. The tough part is how hard I am on myself. I’m not going to know everything right away. Hell I’m probably never going to know everything, but I didn’t think that the frustration of sitting on calls & in meetings not really knowing what people were talking about was going to make me feel inadequate! I mean everyone knows there’s a learning curve and no one is pressuring me at all, but all I feel at the end of the day is lame & dumb! And in the midst of all of this I have been dancing my way through 2011. Even though the theme of this year’s shows have been electronic dance music & DJs, I still listen to all sorts of music (i.e. I listen to my sleepytime mix every night and we all know I’m not falling asleep to dubstep or moombahton! – though I bet I could on those days I’m wicked tired!) Point is yes, I love the way that music makes me feel. It makes me smile, it moves my body and it lets my mind just go. In those times I’m dancing it’s like I’m free. I’m not worrying about anything I’m just … me.

So I can be mad, sad, frustrated, confused and what do I do? I turn to music. I’ve always been attracted to people who know more about a subject that I do. So of course I’m attracted to musicians, artists, DJs and producers… they make the one thing that I turn to when I’m alone and can’t deal with my feelings. It’s always there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed with arguably the most amazing friends in the world. Recently Beth and I had a conversation about being lonely. Yes, our lives couldn’t be any different at this point, but we’re both feeling the same kind of things for different reasons. I had told her how I felt so unbalanced and she wrote this to me: “One thing I always notice is even though you have all these escapades and adventures, your comments and pictures are always about the people you love, more than the trip itself.  Because of that I think you are more centered than you think you are.” *sigh*  And Elizabeth is like my soul sister. Any & every time I have an issue or a problem or when I’m stuck in a stupid glass case of emotion, she is there with a smile gently knocking on that glass to coax me out or simply says a few things to remind me that I am just human and whatever I’m having trouble with isn’t really that big of a deal. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Sometimes I don’t even have to explain much and she gives me the best advice. Other times she doesn’t even have to give advice, we’ll Skype it up, be silly and laugh. Most of the time that’s all I need… to know that I’m not the only one or that I’m not crazy or that it will all be OK. I have told people that I’m the type of person that once you’re in my circle, you’re protected for life – and I say it because so many times others have said that about me… but it’s true. I make it tough to get in my circle and many don’t make it in, but for those who are in it are forever protected by this sassy dancing chick until they do something to not deserve it.

My point of this ramble is that I have no problem admitting that I’m obsessed. I’m obsessed with music and with my friends. It is those two things in my life that I truly feel protected & protective. Dance on. Laugh on. Love on.

LOVING this song lately (specifically this remix) not only because Wynter Gordon’s voice is beautiful & it’s dancey, but I love songs that have lyrics that give me goosebumps, which this one does. I’m a little over half way done w/ my 2011 mix, so I’ll share that soon!

be strong

There’s a line from a song that I often think about and tell my friends when they are going through something… “They never tell you there’s strength in vulnerability” – I love that because there are so many different situations in life that can make one feel vulnerable.  When you’re feeling it, it seems like you’re being crushed and there’s no way out… but once it resolves itself or whatever, you may not realize it, but it just has made you stronger.

I’m not a mom.  I’m not close to being one.  I may never be one, I don’t know – but I am naturally motherly.  I have a natural urge to take care of the people I love and care for them.  Right now one of my closest friends is really close to becoming a mom and Jr. is really eager to come out and meet us, but it’s a little too early.  I just got off the phone with her because she’s been admitted into the hospital again and when I hung up, tears welled up and a huge lump is in my throat.  I know I can’t do anything so all I can do is think positively.  Her strength has inspired me for years now.  She has been a huge rock for me because she has always been there for me.  She always knows how to make me feel better and what to say when I feel down or lost.  She helps me find my way.

So right now, she’s probably feeling frustrated, weak, vulnerable – whatever, but I know her and she will come out of this with a beautiful baby boy & it will be all worth it.  It’ll be something that makes her even stronger.

This little boy is going to be so damn lucky.  Be strong, Beth… I love you.

what’s my age again?

I’ve always said that I’m in that awkward age of adulthood & compare it to that weird age of like 12-15 yrs old where we’re just in the middle… too old for some things & too young for others.  It’s funny sometimes because in the recent years I’m always commenting about age because of those type of situations.  It’s Saturday night and all I want to do is watch TV on my couch & go to bed early = “TOO YOUNG.”  Or it’s a Tuesday night and I’m dressed in some crazy outfit about to hit the town to see some kind of EDM show & dance my face off = “TOO OLD.”  And then the good ol’ quotes “you’re only as old as you feel”  or “age is just a state of mind” are said & I move on.  The main point is that I’m having fun.  I can easily have fun sitting at home & being lazy or running around a music festival with a bunch of 21-year olds.

I feel really lucky that I have so many amazing people & things around me that make me young at heart, but an old soul at the same time (there’s the walking contradiction thing again!)  but because where I am today in my life, I’ve been talking a lot about what I want & what I’m looking for – which is a perfect balance.  A perfect balance of young and old… of challenge and comfort… of responsible and irresponsible… of crazy and sanity… of independence and support… of structure and spontaneity… of quiet and loud… of love and hurt… of respect and selfishness…

Once I feel like I’ve reached the point of this perfect balance that I’ve defined I will be one happy dancing clam.

Music Makes Me Happy

I can get in a funk here & there – it’s pretty rare, but I’m lucky that it’s pretty easy to get myself out of it.  Going for a run has been the easiest as of late.  That makes me sounds like a work-out buff or something, but I wouldn’t go that far.  It’s because I’m alone with my music.  Sometimes I don’t even run, I walk and get lost in the music.  It sure doesn’t hurt that I live 4 blocks from the gorgeous Santa Monica beach.  There is very little that I do without music.  I had to laugh when I realized I had a JBL docking speaker in my room, the same one in my kitchen, my little X-minis in my bathroom and the JBL Encounter in my living room.  Do I REALLY need that many speakers in my 2 bdrm apartment?!  NO!  But I can’t think of much that I do without having music on.  Running, driving, shopping, cooking, cleaning, showering …  I even have a “sleepytime” mix for, well, sleepy time!

I’m so excited because I already have a great line-up this summer! Benny Benassi,  Calvin Harris, Afrojack, Fedde le Grande, Laidback Luke (in SD & LA,) Kid Cudi (in SF,) The Love Festival (in Hawaii!), Hardfest & Outside Lands (in SF)!!  When they announce the line-up for The Love Festival & The Identity Festival in LA, I’m sure I’ll probably go to that too

*just added, I am definitely celebrating my next birthday out at sea!!!

Music is like the yin to my yang… the salt to my pepper… the peanut butter to my jelly… the champagne to my french fries.  So I’m not really worried about having bad days because I will always have my music.

A few faves

i love to laugh

& if you think this is as funny as i do, let’s be friends.  there are a ton of them, but the last bit (1:29) of this clip is my favorite!

and my 2nd favorite is the first guy in this clip, he’s back at 0:28 and 0:59

wow…

One thing people learn about me quickly is that I can’t really take compliments.  I’ll take compliments about my work, but I get kinda weird and brush it away quickly – not that it’s not nice to hear, I guess I just get embarrassed or something.  But unless you are complimenting my shoes, I don’t take them that well – I appreciate them for sure, but I don’t like that attention.  Friends tell me to embrace it more, so I’m going to right now.  I hope he doesn’t mind, but I got one of the nicest emails ever this morning from a close friend and I’m going to EMBRACE all that is me & share some of it here. (replacing some sentences with “…” to keep it less personal)

Subj: Have you met Kim?

She’s a friend of mine.  …  She’s actually the person that let me stay with her on my first ever visit to LA.  I think I knew then that we’d end up being close friends because even on the car ride from long-beach we started discussing relationships (hers, mine, friends).  The kind of talk that has become common place between us now.  … but every time we’d see each other we’d have a “relationship check-in” to see how things were going.  I think she was the first person in a long time to actually ask me how my relationship was going.  Some people ask in a way that implies they don’t want details, they just want the standard high-level story “oh, good!  She’s great you know, and we’re having fun and this is great.  Just great.  Did I mention great?”.  But with Kim, the way she asks you, know she’s asking for the real story “To be honest she pisses me off sometimes and here’s why”.   It can’t be helped.  When an honest person asks you an honest question, you have to respond honestly.  Weird right?  

Anyway, from that first car ride I suspected that I had found a kindred spirit whom I could connect with.   ….  I still struggle with relationships, life, …  I rarely know the right way to go.  But I can turn to Kim at any point and ask her how to navigate.  And the best part is, she doesn’t know.  She doesn’t know the right way.  She can’t read the stars.  She can’t look at my palm and tell me I’m going to live a long life of happiness.  She doesn’t whip out a crystal ball, put on a funny hat, and try to tell me my future.  She just charges in and discusses life with me in a very visceral way that lets me know exactly where I am, and that I’m not alone.  That’s the thing, you don’t need a map home, or a guiding star, or a crystal ball. You just need someone else to feel what you feel.  To sit with you in the storm, even if just for a short while.  Most people can’t do that.  Maybe they are afraid of thunder and lightning.  Not Kim.

I think maybe that’s the best way to describe her, she doesn’t scare.  Yeah, maybe of ghosts and goblins and scary movies.  But I know if push comes to shove, Kim will punch both “push and shove” right in the mother fucking throat!  She’s also really fun and likes to dance a whole lot.   It’s hard to find someone with that many sides to them.  But with Kim, it’s like being in a funhouse full of mirrors.  Each one reflects something different, but at the end of the day they are all just showing the same wonderful person.   I can’t wait for you to meet her...

I mean REALLY?!  This email made me cry and I know how lucky I am, so I’m going to keep laughing, dancing & appreciating everything and everyone in my life.  I think of this song when I think of my friend (mostly b/c of the chorus.)  LET’S DANCE!

When the big world falls apart
And you think that the feeling will linger
You need somewhere to start
I will be here

And when it all seems the falls apart
You can’t breath
You don’t know what you’re thinking
You need somewhere to start
I will be here

sitting in my car…

It’s 85 & sunny today in LA so I’m heading to a hotel pool to soak up the sun w/ a friend of a friend. We had to stop at the Beverly Hills Police Station because her car’s still registered in FL & got towed. I didn’t mind stopping because it’s on the way, but as I wait in the car jamming to my music I checked my horoscope (forgot I had the app on my phone) & this is what it said:

Capricorn Apr 28 2011
An unselfish act you offered to the universe awhile back earned you a fan or two, Capricorn. Someone who has seen you at your best – in your best light and with your truest character – is now in a position of power and can help you with an important need or goal. Despite the fact that you are, overall, a very nice person with a strong conscience and a good set of values, you don’t always like yourself as well as you could and should. Give yourself a little bit of credit now. You deserve to have something you want, and don’t forget it.
–
Isn’t that what I’ve been talkimg about lately? Weird.