I’ve had a handful of friends tell me in the past month that they want to have a year like I had last year. That is one of the biggest compliments I can get because it was just because I decided to just live. And I feel like that attitude finally brought someone into my life who’s made me feel things I’ve never felt, do things I’ve never done, say things I’ve never said and believe in things I’ve never believed. If you were to tell me a year ago that I’d be this open about the man I fell in love with, I would’ve bet the farm. All those things you hear about love, whether you believe it or not, you just can’t understand it until you find that person who gives it its real definition. I love our story. I have to believe that fate played a little part in bringing us together. We worked in the same building for years. We knew each other existed and we both noticed each other. A random night out brought us to the same bar and that night we learned each other’s names. A few months later fate made its second play and on my very last day of work when I wasn’t even supposed to be having lunch a the water garden, we ran into each other at the lunch spot we both frequented. Information was exchanged and that’s when social media made its little contribution. For 6 months the only things we knew of each other was what was posted on our Facebook profiles. It kept us curious, but that was it. That curiosity would compel him to invite me to parties and it was that curiosity that made me finally go to one of them… but it was his going away party. He was moving to Chicago. I went, I bought him a drink, we talked for a little bit and parted ways. A few comments and “likes” over the course of 5 months gave me the go ahead to ask if he was going to the music festival that I was going to in Chicago. Labor Day Weekend, we met up, hung out and before I knew it I was falling for him.

After years of being in unemotional relationships, casually dating – if I can even use that strong of a word – I got to the point where I was fine being alone. I have amazing friends and a loving family. I could do what I wanted and didn’t have to answer to anyone. Why did I need a guy? That’s the thing I learned – I didn’t “need” one. What he ended up being though was my perfect. He makes me want to be a better person. He accepts me for me. He supports me. He makes me laugh. He inspires me. He holds my hand and makes me feel like no one else exists in the world. He’s everything I never knew I wanted and even more. We don’t know what the future holds, but I can honestly say I’ve never been so happy and am excited for 2012.

Of course I think about moving closer to my family. My parents are still young, but I’ve already reached the age where I want to take care of them – make sure that they are staying healthy, not stressing, enjoying the peaceful island life. My parents have done so much in raising me. From the basics of clothing me, putting a roof over my head, feeding me, educating me and providing – to the more complicated raising like life lessons; teaching me to be independent, strong, resourceful, hard-working, and self-sufficient.  Anytime someone compliments me, in my head I turn and thank my parents. It makes me proud to have parents who came from another country, barely knowing the language or how anything worked over here and raising four kids. Everything I do now is to try to make my parents a fraction of the proud that I am of them. I still do things for myself; I enjoy myself and fulfill the life experiences that I want to – but when I really think about it – those experiences are things that I’ve set out for myself because my parents taught me to set goals and achieve them, no matter what they are.  I think about how selfish and unappreciative I was when I was younger. Going through that phase where I wanted nothing to do with my parents, thinking that I wanted to break free and be on my own – that I didn’t need them and wanting them to just leave me alone.  It breaks my own heart to think that I ever didn’t appreciate them, even if it was on the surface. I know that I will never be able to give back to them to make up for all that they’ve done for me – but now that I think about the possibility of having my own children, I think about these things. I want to be able to have the type of relationship that I have with my parents now. I consider my parents my friends, people I turn to when I need them, people I trust, and people I respect. I want to be able to teach my own children all that they’ve taught me, plus what I know now.

That brings me to my family here in L.A. – the one thing we have in common is that we all have “broken away” from our family for one reason or another. Whether it was a job or a dream, we all ended up living pretty far from our family. We have all come together in random ways – co-workers, school friends etc. – but now they are my family. The family that I love; the family that I was able to choose for myself. Everyone in my “chosen family” brings something different – something that I cannot imagine my life without now.

The boys in my family are exactly what you need in brothers – protective, hilarious, caring, strong, “good guy” types that you are proud to show off to any single-lady. They are the ones that will drop anything and come running when you need them. Whether it’s to help move furniture, have a few drinks because you had a tough day at work and just don’t want to think about the world around you or to hop on a plane to get away because some guy screwed you over, you can count on them for exactly that. But I need to give a little ode to the ladies in my family because I’ve always been a guys’ gal. I’m the tough cookie who didn’t need or want girl friends because they were catty and dramatic. I didn’t have time to deal with emotions. But that’s because I didn’t always have girl friends like these…

Elizabeth’s sense of adventure and her go-getter attitude is one of the first things that I was attracted to when we met back in Boston. She is one of the strongest people I know, especially when she forgets that she is. She is humble, caring, silly, smart, and giving with a beautiful soul. She gets me like no one else does. She has a presence about her that makes everyone in the room want to know her, be her friend or marry. There will never be enough words or time to explain how she has affected my life. She is the one I share everything with; she is the one I turn to when I feel lost, frustrated, afraid, happy, excited, nervous, contemplative. She is my best friend soul mate.

Beth is one of the smartest people I know – yes, with her career; she knocks it out of the park and makes it seem so easy. But when I say smart, I mean in life. She understands people and human nature like no other. It’s an incredibly rare trait to be able to be so insightful. She is able to pinpoint things and explain them in ways that only the most brilliant can. She helps you remember the important things or reveals things that you are too caught up to realize. She is so caring, beautiful, real, honest and hilarious! When she’s around, it’s like the sun is always shining and you feel so safe knowing that no matter what happens she’s there to protect, support and make you smile.

Megan is a perfect example of real. In a world of expectations and judgment, she has broken away to prove that you can have anything you set your mind to without sacrificing yourself. A self-taught photographer and mother, she is able to balance a business and a family in such a way that would make anyone jealous. Her talent that she was able to find after breaking out of the corporate world brings so much joy & memories to her friends, family & clients. I love that she is the same Megan I met working at the bar in Amherst. I love that she doesn’t pretend to be the typical suburban mom that never swears or is so polite and meek. I’m not saying she isn’t polite – I just love that she is still the same person even with all of these changes and all of the pressures around her. She is a constant source of love for me – someone that I think about daily & often. She also has given me one of the greatest gifts – a beautiful god daughter – who I am so lucky to be able to tell her all of the amazing things about her mother when she gets to that age that she may not want “anything to do with.”

Christina is my source of release. When I’m feeling beat down or helpless I’ve never liked to go to anyone, but in the short few years that we’ve become friends she has become that friend that I just need to vent to. I never realized just how healthy it was to do that. She’s the friend that when I admit to doing something that I’m not happy about, she doesn’t just say “that’s OK” she explains why I did it in a way that just makes sense. Yes, everyone needs that friend that makes you feel better about things, but I can’t really put into words how she takes her knowledge of you and puts whatever you’re going through into perspective that makes you automatically feel better. She’s funny as hell and is always the cheerleader. You know you have someone special in your life when you go two days without seeing her and you miss her.

Kyra is like a breath of fresh air. I have a soft spot for her because I feel like for many years she has put everyone else first and now is her time to shine and do things for herself. She’s sort of the little sister that I’ve never had and I mean that in a loving way. I see so much potential in her and it’s like she doesn’t have any idea. People may see her crazy costumes and ever-changing hair accessories as attention seeking, but I see it as fun loving and an appetite for life. She brings out the fun in every day things. Who else would make a trip to Whole Foods or renting a U-Haul more fun than a trip to Disney World?! Her carefree spirit is so inspiring. But underneath the feathers and sparkles is a sensitive, warm-hearted, supportive, loving and beautiful young woman with the world at her fingertips.

I know this isn’t the first time I’ve talked about the ladies in my life, but as someone who has always surrounded herself with masculine energy, I’m so very thankful for these strong, amazing women who have let me into their hearts, taught me so many important lessons and showed me that I can embrace being me and the woman I have become.

Growing up I always assumed that I would be in MA forever, raising a family in the small town that I grew up in and that everyone I knew then would be in my life forever. I made assumptions that we’d all be doing the same thing all around the same time – boy was I wrong. I think that one of the biggest life changing decisions I’ve made so far is to move across the country when I had the opportunity to transfer when I was working at Yahoo! I remember that plane ride, have never been outside of the country besides Canada, Jamaica & the Bahamas, on a one-way flight to a city I barely knew. I had no idea what was ahead of me. I had no idea if I was going to love it or hate it. I had no idea if it was going to love or hate me. I had no idea how my relationships were going to change. I feel like I have a lot of stories. People tell me a lot that I should write a book, but what would I write? Just a bunch of unrelated stories of my life? How does it all come together? I’ve been reading Common’s book “One Day It’ll All Make Sense” and our lives couldn’t be any different, but the learnings and insight are like the same. Understanding things that happened many years ago now as an adult. Realizing why things happened. Coping with losses and appreciating gains. Learning from the past to help you with current and future situations. Knowing that even though we’re wiser now than we were back then, we’ll still make mistakes.

I think about some of the choices I made in my life, big and small, and wonder sometimes if things would be different if I had made a different choice. Would it be a big effect or a small one? Would it make a difference at all? Did it shape who I am now or was it not going to make an impact at all? There are some choices that I know 100% changed my life – some very small, some longer drawn out choices. The girl that I slowly let into my life – now one of my closest & dearest friends that I could not imagine my life without. The slow and gradual loss of friendships – that the only thing left are memories. The 5 days I took to leave one job for another. The two months I took to move on from a disappointing relationship. The 5 minutes I took to decide where to go to lunch. The last minute decision to just suck it up and go out instead of staying in. All of these and more have left me with beautiful memories, heartbreaking stories, tough defeats, proud victories, and potential exciting futures.

I’m excited to see what kind of other life choices I’m going to make.

Of course with a success, comes a failure (in my world.) I feel like I’ve somewhat lost control of my feelings. I’m much more aware of them, but have become so overwhelmed by them. I’ve always been that tough cookie – usually only crying at movies or shows that were written specifically to make people cry. I’ve always been able to take my feelings – look at them in the face, deal with them in record time and move on. As of recent there have been feelings that I just can’t battle. I can’t escape them and I’m afraid of them. I just hope that in some time, I can look back the way I did tonight and be proud & confident.

Aye Dios Mio.

I’ll start with the “light” type of expectations. I expect people to have common courtesy. “Please” & “Thank you,” respect for personal space – those kinds of things. You gotta love when you open the door for someone because you see they are carrying a bunch of bags or something and they walk by you like you don’t exist. Or that person sitting next to you on the plane who doesn’t even try to stay in their allotted space. Is it wrong to expect more from these people even though they don’t know me?

Lately I’ve been feeling a little, for a lack of a better word, dumb. I’ve been in this new job for 3 months now and I’ve definitely learned a lot about the business, what the purpose of my role is, what needs to be done to succeed in a short & long term basis etc., but because I’ve been used to working a certain way when I was in advertising for 9 years, I’ve had a hard time setting the expectations for myself. I can’t expect to know everything or every answer – but for some reason I do. One part of my brain is like “relax, you’ll get the hang of it” and the other is like “if you aren’t comfortable by now, maybe this was the wrong move.” These kinds of thoughts start making me feel insecure which starts trickling into other parts of my psych. Why is it that I can’t set realistic expectations of myself when it comes to work?

Last week I was told another story about an aunt who has a history of lying, disrespect and selfishness. Nothing really surprises us anymore when we hear stories about her. She’s not a responsible mother, she uses her many successful restaurants as a front, a way to get people to do things for her. Every one of those restaurants have closed or filed for bankruptcy. I’m not trying to make this a bash on her thing; I’m just trying to set the tone here. We will never put anything past her – she’s borrowed money from my parents a handful of times and have almost never paid them back (of course my parents should’ve stopped lending her money after the 2^nd time) but I just heard that she used a long lost sister’s visit to the U.S. as a way to get publicity for herself in the city she lives in. I watched the segment on the news – she was crying, telling the news reporter just how she’s been wanting to reconnect with this sister for 30 years – all while plugging herself & her business. Of course we know the real story – how she avoided my mother & other aunt for weeks telling them she can’t see her b/c she’s traveling. Got mad because she was caught in that lie. Turned things around trying to blame other family members for her “distrust” in the family. Blah blah blah – but to see how she took this situation to benefit herself was really disgusting to me. Because of her history and clearly how we know she can be, was it naïve of me to expect anything less of her?

I love my friends – many know I consider them family – the family I was allowed to choose myself. I am truly lucky to have them in my life. It’s fair to say that I will drop whatever to help them or do something for them, but it’s because I WANT to. I want to be there for them and help them when they need me. It makes me feel good to help, that’s just me. It could be as easy as a pick up from the airport or help them shop for something specific. Or more difficult like talking to them about a serious issue in their life and helping them see all sides of things. In return though, I expect them to respect me and do the same for me – which they do… but there are a few times that because of the incredibly close relationship that those mutual expectations are shot to hell. Even when you’re used to me doing something like driving, I’d still like to be asked out of consideration instead of assuming. I can take some of the blame for this because I am in fact almost always driving or making the plans or providing this or that – but that doesn’t mean you can’t practice common courtesy with me just because I’m a close friend. We’re all adults now, but like I’ve mentioned before, in that weird “in-between awkward” adult age where there are a lot of things we’re too old for and a lot that we’re too young. I am all about people having fun, getting drunk, being silly – whatever – but I have absolutely no patience for people who get so ridiculously wasted that all of their sensibility is thrown out of the window. I’ve had my drunken moments and even do things totally sober that could be considered immature (dress in crazy outfits and dance for hours on end,) but those things don’t offend or hurt others. I don’t care if you get so drunk you make out w/ that 18 year old, or end up on the bar taking your shirt off – I’m the last one to judge & the first to tell you the next day that it’s OK, but do not be rude to me or treat me like I have no brain or think I’ll forget. Get drunk, have fun, live life – but don’t lose respect for others, yourself and your friends. I know it makes me sound like a mom or Ms. Uptight McTighterson, but is it really that wrong to expect your friends that are in their 30s to act like adults?

I’m always telling people to have fewer expectations so you can be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed… but sometimes expectations are valid. They help you stand your ground with your beliefs and mold how you live your life. I catch myself saying “oh I shouldn’t have expected that because now I feel disappointed,” but in reality if I didn’t have some of these expectations I would just be a lame dancing penguin getting walked all over. No bueno.

Since I’ve written, Beth had a baby boy (Oskar,) I started a new job & saw 11 shows (5 being festivals.) I picture a huge “Y” where each tip is one of those things, but all are far at the other end of the spectrum. I remember when I learned that it is truly possible to fall in love very quickly when my sister had Khai & Karina. I was reminded again when Oskar was born. I was able to go to the hospital when he was about 5-6 hrs old and just wanted to hold him forever. Two of my closest friends now have that life I thought I always wanted when I was younger. Married. Dog. Home. Baby. I love it for them, I love being in their lives & sharing those experiences… but it makes me scared. Scared that I won’t have it or that I don’t know if I want it? I have no idea. Now, THAT is scary. Then the job… I LOVED having that 9 months off, I had planned on riding that out for the rest of the year, but circumstances happened and I was presented with a great opportunity with an amazing company – it was what I was looking for in terms of business development, strategic sales and something I’d be able to feel challenged. I’m lucky to have passed the intensive recruiting process and started in mid-July. The tough part is how hard I am on myself. I’m not going to know everything right away. Hell I’m probably never going to know everything, but I didn’t think that the frustration of sitting on calls & in meetings not really knowing what people were talking about was going to make me feel inadequate! I mean everyone knows there’s a learning curve and no one is pressuring me at all, but all I feel at the end of the day is lame & dumb! And in the midst of all of this I have been dancing my way through 2011. Even though the theme of this year’s shows have been electronic dance music & DJs, I still listen to all sorts of music (i.e. I listen to my sleepytime mix every night and we all know I’m not falling asleep to dubstep or moombahton! – though I bet I could on those days I’m wicked tired!) Point is yes, I love the way that music makes me feel. It makes me smile, it moves my body and it lets my mind just go. In those times I’m dancing it’s like I’m free. I’m not worrying about anything I’m just … me.

So I can be mad, sad, frustrated, confused and what do I do? I turn to music. I’ve always been attracted to people who know more about a subject that I do. So of course I’m attracted to musicians, artists, DJs and producers… they make the one thing that I turn to when I’m alone and can’t deal with my feelings. It’s always there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed with arguably the most amazing friends in the world. Recently Beth and I had a conversation about being lonely. Yes, our lives couldn’t be any different at this point, but we’re both feeling the same kind of things for different reasons. I had told her how I felt so unbalanced and she wrote this to me: “One thing I always notice is even though you have all these escapades and adventures, your comments and pictures are always about the people you love, more than the trip itself.  Because of that I think you are more centered than you think you are.” *sigh*  And Elizabeth is like my soul sister. Any & every time I have an issue or a problem or when I’m stuck in a stupid glass case of emotion, she is there with a smile gently knocking on that glass to coax me out or simply says a few things to remind me that I am just human and whatever I’m having trouble with isn’t really that big of a deal. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Sometimes I don’t even have to explain much and she gives me the best advice. Other times she doesn’t even have to give advice, we’ll Skype it up, be silly and laugh. Most of the time that’s all I need… to know that I’m not the only one or that I’m not crazy or that it will all be OK. I have told people that I’m the type of person that once you’re in my circle, you’re protected for life – and I say it because so many times others have said that about me… but it’s true. I make it tough to get in my circle and many don’t make it in, but for those who are in it are forever protected by this sassy dancing chick until they do something to not deserve it.

My point of this ramble is that I have no problem admitting that I’m obsessed. I’m obsessed with music and with my friends. It is those two things in my life that I truly feel protected & protective. Dance on. Laugh on. Love on.

LOVING this song lately (specifically this remix) not only because Wynter Gordon’s voice is beautiful & it’s dancey, but I love songs that have lyrics that give me goosebumps, which this one does. I’m a little over half way done w/ my 2011 mix, so I’ll share that soon!

I’m not a mom.  I’m not close to being one.  I may never be one, I don’t know – but I am naturally motherly.  I have a natural urge to take care of the people I love and care for them.  Right now one of my closest friends is really close to becoming a mom and Jr. is really eager to come out and meet us, but it’s a little too early.  I just got off the phone with her because she’s been admitted into the hospital again and when I hung up, tears welled up and a huge lump is in my throat.  I know I can’t do anything so all I can do is think positively.  Her strength has inspired me for years now.  She has been a huge rock for me because she has always been there for me.  She always knows how to make me feel better and what to say when I feel down or lost.  She helps me find my way.

So right now, she’s probably feeling frustrated, weak, vulnerable – whatever, but I know her and she will come out of this with a beautiful baby boy & it will be all worth it.  It’ll be something that makes her even stronger.

This little boy is going to be so damn lucky.  Be strong, Beth… I love you.

I feel really lucky that I have so many amazing people & things around me that make me young at heart, but an old soul at the same time (there’s the walking contradiction thing again!)  but because where I am today in my life, I’ve been talking a lot about what I want & what I’m looking for – which is a perfect balance.  A perfect balance of young and old… of challenge and comfort… of responsible and irresponsible… of crazy and sanity… of independence and support… of structure and spontaneity… of quiet and loud… of love and hurt… of respect and selfishness…

Once I feel like I’ve reached the point of this perfect balance that I’ve defined I will be one happy dancing clam.

I’m so excited because I already have a great line-up this summer! Benny Benassi,  Calvin Harris, Afrojack, Fedde le Grande, Laidback Luke (in SD & LA,) Kid Cudi (in SF,) The Love Festival (in Hawaii!), Hardfest & Outside Lands (in SF)!!  When they announce the line-up for The Love Festival & The Identity Festival in LA, I’m sure I’ll probably go to that too

*just added, I am definitely celebrating my next birthday out at sea!!!

Music is like the yin to my yang… the salt to my pepper… the peanut butter to my jelly… the champagne to my french fries.  So I’m not really worried about having bad days because I will always have my music.

A few faves

and my 2nd favorite is the first guy in this clip, he’s back at 0:28 and 0:59

Subj: Have you met Kim?

She’s a friend of mine.  …  She’s actually the person that let me stay with her on my first ever visit to LA.  I think I knew then that we’d end up being close friends because even on the car ride from long-beach we started discussing relationships (hers, mine, friends).  The kind of talk that has become common place between us now.  … but every time we’d see each other we’d have a “relationship check-in” to see how things were going.  I think she was the first person in a long time to actually ask me how my relationship was going.  Some people ask in a way that implies they don’t want details, they just want the standard high-level story “oh, good!  She’s great you know, and we’re having fun and this is great.  Just great.  Did I mention great?”.  But with Kim, the way she asks you, know she’s asking for the real story “To be honest she pisses me off sometimes and here’s why”.   It can’t be helped.  When an honest person asks you an honest question, you have to respond honestly.  Weird right?  

Capricorn Apr 28 2011
An unselfish act you offered to the universe awhile back earned you a fan or two, Capricorn. Someone who has seen you at your best – in your best light and with your truest character – is now in a position of power and can help you with an important need or goal. Despite the fact that you are, overall, a very nice person with a strong conscience and a good set of values, you don’t always like yourself as well as you could and should. Give yourself a little bit of credit now. You deserve to have something you want, and don’t forget it.
–
Isn’t that what I’ve been talkimg about lately? Weird.

For some reason last night I felt really sassy.  This girl tried to cut us in the bathroom line (which consisted of just me and my friend) and was all snobby saying “it’s OK because my husband owns this place” but to me it was the principle.  Don’t lie, say you’re just going in to get your friend & try to sneak your way into the bathroom when it is clearly not your turn.  She knew she was in the wrong, but felt entitled and she got me at the wrong moment because I was not letting her go in front of me.  The second she said “you need to get out of my face” I tip-toed in my bunny slippers and my ears perked up (figuratively) and told her that it was ONE person, that she could wait 2 minutes to have her little coke-snorting pow-wow with her ugly friend.  I kept repeating “NO, it’s ONE person” until she backed down.  I wasn’t losing the fight no matter how silly the situation was because I’m stubborn and I’m not afraid of confrontation.  I’m telling this story because how is it that it’s so easy for me to handle confrontation 90% of the time… but it’s been at LEAST 2 months of WANTING to say something to that someone, but haven’t?  It’s also a personal test… I kind of wondered how long it would be until she did reach out because I really feel like she doesn’t until she needs/wants something from me.  Do I let precious time pass us by like that?  Or do I suck it up and call her and tell her everything I’ve been thinking?  Will it seem like an attack?  Will I be able to make my point without being bitchy?  I just need to “Speak Up.” (man, I can’t wait until this is officially released!)

I caught up w/ an old friend who was in town a few weeks ago and she’s one of those people who I rarely talk to, but when we are in each other’s cities, we make an effort to meet up.  This visit though was an extremely eye-opening one.  As we sat at the wine garden and she was catching me up on her latest & greatest, I all of a sudden realized that I was basically talking to myself in 9 years.  The things she said were things I’ve said, the things she’s done were the things I’ve done or am planning on doing, the attitude she had towards work, life, men was almost parallel to my attitude.  I was so lucky to be able to talk to the “future me” and ask the question, “So what do I do next?” and her answer?  “Take a chill pill, that’s what you do next!”

After busting out laughing, I realized she was so right.  I took this break to figure out what I wanted & needed out of everything in my life… family, friends, work, relationships… and honestly I have been able to step back and see things differently, but still I find that battle between my head and heart there.  I get lost in the could, would, should of it all and really what I need to do is relax, let things happen and the things that I want to happen, get off my ass and do it!  I live once – from what I know – so I want to be able to make the most of this life!

Since my catch up w/ my friend, I’ve been able to think a lot more positively – but for REAL this time, not just try to convince myself that I’m thinking positively, but to actually think it.  I know what I have to offer, I know my value and I’m proud to peacock around and not care what other people think about it.  If I don’t have the confidence, then the world will break me down one day at a time.  I have my insecurities, but I just need to focus on my confidence.

I’ve been on cloud 9 for a few days now & even though it’s not a public thing, I’m pretty damn happy up on this cloud.  And I’ve got a trip back to Boston this week,  Coachella next weekend and other great plans on the horizon.  Life is good.

In rowing, you have a split time (the amount of time it takes to go 500 meters) and the instructor always would have you find your split time… for that day.  One day it could be 2 min, another it could be 3 or even 8.  The point is “DO THE BEST THAT YOU CAN FOR TODAY.”  Don’t compare it to other days, no one can ask you to do better than what you can for TODAY.  So if you’re having a great day at school and things with your friends are great, then fabulous.  But if the next day, you couldn’t get that math problem or you aren’t feeling very confident – THAT IS OK, all you can do is do your best for today.  Don’t compare it to any other day.  We are allowed to have good days, great days and bad days.  The true people in your life will never expect more than the best for that day.

I LOVE YOU.