In an extremely short period of time, my world feels like it has turned upside down and right side up. I’ve felt things that I’ve never felt before. I’ve said things I’ve never said before. I’ve done things I’ve never done before. I don’t know what to do with myself. I was cleaning up my email tonight and found myself reading emails that strangely enough I don’t remember writing – I mean I DO, but reading them after the fact felt like I was reading the words of someone who actually was in touch and aware of who she is and who she was. I said things that were very insightful and things that if I had known years ago, I wonder what relationships would’ve happened and which ones wouldn’t. I normally feel uncomfortable tooting my own horn, but the fact that I was able to pinpoint faults, recognize them, verbalize them, understand them and learn from them is a feat that I’m proud to have overcome. It’s definitely in its infant stages, but I already feel more confident.
Of course with a success, comes a failure (in my world.) I feel like I’ve somewhat lost control of my feelings. I’m much more aware of them, but have become so overwhelmed by them. I’ve always been that tough cookie – usually only crying at movies or shows that were written specifically to make people cry. I’ve always been able to take my feelings – look at them in the face, deal with them in record time and move on. As of recent there have been feelings that I just can’t battle. I can’t escape them and I’m afraid of them. I just hope that in some time, I can look back the way I did tonight and be proud & confident.
Aye Dios Mio.
