expectations

I talk a lot about the struggle I have with balance – the walking contradiction that is I – but that usually comes when there’s a situation or incident that highlights that part of my personality. There’s another thing that I have a struggle with and that’s expectations. Expectations of myself, my friends, my family, the every day people I interact with and even of strangers.

I’ll start with the “light” type of expectations. I expect people to have common courtesy. “Please” & “Thank you,” respect for personal space – those kinds of things. You gotta love when you open the door for someone because you see they are carrying a bunch of bags or something and they walk by you like you don’t exist. Or that person sitting next to you on the plane who doesn’t even try to stay in their allotted space. Is it wrong to expect more from these people even though they don’t know me?

Lately I’ve been feeling a little, for a lack of a better word, dumb. I’ve been in this new job for 3 months now and I’ve definitely learned a lot about the business, what the purpose of my role is, what needs to be done to succeed in a short & long term basis etc., but because I’ve been used to working a certain way when I was in advertising for 9 years, I’ve had a hard time setting the expectations for myself. I can’t expect to know everything or every answer – but for some reason I do. One part of my brain is like “relax, you’ll get the hang of it” and the other is like “if you aren’t comfortable by now, maybe this was the wrong move.” These kinds of thoughts start making me feel insecure which starts trickling into other parts of my psych. Why is it that I can’t set realistic expectations of myself when it comes to work?

Last week I was told another story about an aunt who has a history of lying, disrespect and selfishness. Nothing really surprises us anymore when we hear stories about her. She’s not a responsible mother, she uses her many successful restaurants as a front, a way to get people to do things for her. Every one of those restaurants have closed or filed for bankruptcy. I’m not trying to make this a bash on her thing; I’m just trying to set the tone here. We will never put anything past her – she’s borrowed money from my parents a handful of times and have almost never paid them back (of course my parents should’ve stopped lending her money after the 2^nd time) but I just heard that she used a long lost sister’s visit to the U.S. as a way to get publicity for herself in the city she lives in. I watched the segment on the news – she was crying, telling the news reporter just how she’s been wanting to reconnect with this sister for 30 years – all while plugging herself & her business. Of course we know the real story – how she avoided my mother & other aunt for weeks telling them she can’t see her b/c she’s traveling. Got mad because she was caught in that lie. Turned things around trying to blame other family members for her “distrust” in the family. Blah blah blah – but to see how she took this situation to benefit herself was really disgusting to me. Because of her history and clearly how we know she can be, was it naïve of me to expect anything less of her?

I love my friends – many know I consider them family – the family I was allowed to choose myself. I am truly lucky to have them in my life. It’s fair to say that I will drop whatever to help them or do something for them, but it’s because I WANT to. I want to be there for them and help them when they need me. It makes me feel good to help, that’s just me. It could be as easy as a pick up from the airport or help them shop for something specific. Or more difficult like talking to them about a serious issue in their life and helping them see all sides of things. In return though, I expect them to respect me and do the same for me – which they do… but there are a few times that because of the incredibly close relationship that those mutual expectations are shot to hell. Even when you’re used to me doing something like driving, I’d still like to be asked out of consideration instead of assuming. I can take some of the blame for this because I am in fact almost always driving or making the plans or providing this or that – but that doesn’t mean you can’t practice common courtesy with me just because I’m a close friend. We’re all adults now, but like I’ve mentioned before, in that weird “in-between awkward” adult age where there are a lot of things we’re too old for and a lot that we’re too young. I am all about people having fun, getting drunk, being silly – whatever – but I have absolutely no patience for people who get so ridiculously wasted that all of their sensibility is thrown out of the window. I’ve had my drunken moments and even do things totally sober that could be considered immature (dress in crazy outfits and dance for hours on end,) but those things don’t offend or hurt others. I don’t care if you get so drunk you make out w/ that 18 year old, or end up on the bar taking your shirt off – I’m the last one to judge & the first to tell you the next day that it’s OK, but do not be rude to me or treat me like I have no brain or think I’ll forget. Get drunk, have fun, live life – but don’t lose respect for others, yourself and your friends. I know it makes me sound like a mom or Ms. Uptight McTighterson, but is it really that wrong to expect your friends that are in their 30s to act like adults?

I’m always telling people to have fewer expectations so you can be pleasantly surprised rather than disappointed… but sometimes expectations are valid. They help you stand your ground with your beliefs and mold how you live your life. I catch myself saying “oh I shouldn’t have expected that because now I feel disappointed,” but in reality if I didn’t have some of these expectations I would just be a lame dancing penguin getting walked all over. No bueno.

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