healthy obsession

That balance… that damn balance that I’ve been trying to get seems to get further & further away. I started this year with the attitude of “you live once” and I have been having an amazingly fun year so far! In the midst of it though, I have very little time to myself and I admit that I’ve set up my days that way. Not necessarily on purpose, but I’ve realized 8 months into this year that doing this makes my “walking contracting” life even moreso. I’m either on-on-on & on the go or just down, sleepy and very blah. I’ll admit I haven’t had a ton of those down blah moments, but I have had a few recently. The last time I wrote was in mid-June… funny thing is that I’ve counted since then a total of 9 free days (free days meaning NOTHING planned, so some were just a dinner or a low key hang out, but still…) that’s 9 out of 87 days (I’m counting til next Monday which is my next free day.) But how the hell can I complain?! I’ve been able to travel, hang out w/ the people I love and just LIVE! But those moments that I’m the total opposite have seemed to hit me a little harder. On the plane back from Hawaii I was watching the in-flight movie (Just Go With It) and yea, Adam Sandler is good for some laughs – really a good movie for a plane ride, but all of a sudden I started crying! At the time I truly thought it was because the 2nd half of the movie was in Hawaii and I was really sad to leave it – but when the movie was over & I was laughing at myself for being a lame sap I was trying to figure out why I was really crying. I had just had a week of the most beautiful place, filled with amazingly fun times w/ 2 of my closest friends and even got to throw in the Love Festival… so why the hell was I sad? I didn’t want to know, so typical me, I brushed it aside and went on my streak of go-go-go.

Since I’ve written, Beth had a baby boy (Oskar,) I started a new job & saw 11 shows (5 being festivals.) I picture a huge “Y” where each tip is one of those things, but all are far at the other end of the spectrum. I remember when I learned that it is truly possible to fall in love very quickly when my sister had Khai & Karina. I was reminded again when Oskar was born. I was able to go to the hospital when he was about 5-6 hrs old and just wanted to hold him forever. Two of my closest friends now have that life I thought I always wanted when I was younger. Married. Dog. Home. Baby. I love it for them, I love being in their lives & sharing those experiences… but it makes me scared. Scared that I won’t have it or that I don’t know if I want it? I have no idea. Now, THAT is scary. Then the job… I LOVED having that 9 months off, I had planned on riding that out for the rest of the year, but circumstances happened and I was presented with a great opportunity with an amazing company – it was what I was looking for in terms of business development, strategic sales and something I’d be able to feel challenged. I’m lucky to have passed the intensive recruiting process and started in mid-July. The tough part is how hard I am on myself. I’m not going to know everything right away. Hell I’m probably never going to know everything, but I didn’t think that the frustration of sitting on calls & in meetings not really knowing what people were talking about was going to make me feel inadequate! I mean everyone knows there’s a learning curve and no one is pressuring me at all, but all I feel at the end of the day is lame & dumb! And in the midst of all of this I have been dancing my way through 2011. Even though the theme of this year’s shows have been electronic dance music & DJs, I still listen to all sorts of music (i.e. I listen to my sleepytime mix every night and we all know I’m not falling asleep to dubstep or moombahton! – though I bet I could on those days I’m wicked tired!) Point is yes, I love the way that music makes me feel. It makes me smile, it moves my body and it lets my mind just go. In those times I’m dancing it’s like I’m free. I’m not worrying about anything I’m just … me.

So I can be mad, sad, frustrated, confused and what do I do? I turn to music. I’ve always been attracted to people who know more about a subject that I do. So of course I’m attracted to musicians, artists, DJs and producers… they make the one thing that I turn to when I’m alone and can’t deal with my feelings. It’s always there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed with arguably the most amazing friends in the world. Recently Beth and I had a conversation about being lonely. Yes, our lives couldn’t be any different at this point, but we’re both feeling the same kind of things for different reasons. I had told her how I felt so unbalanced and she wrote this to me: “One thing I always notice is even though you have all these escapades and adventures, your comments and pictures are always about the people you love, more than the trip itself.  Because of that I think you are more centered than you think you are.” *sigh*  And Elizabeth is like my soul sister. Any & every time I have an issue or a problem or when I’m stuck in a stupid glass case of emotion, she is there with a smile gently knocking on that glass to coax me out or simply says a few things to remind me that I am just human and whatever I’m having trouble with isn’t really that big of a deal. She knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Sometimes I don’t even have to explain much and she gives me the best advice. Other times she doesn’t even have to give advice, we’ll Skype it up, be silly and laugh. Most of the time that’s all I need… to know that I’m not the only one or that I’m not crazy or that it will all be OK. I have told people that I’m the type of person that once you’re in my circle, you’re protected for life – and I say it because so many times others have said that about me… but it’s true. I make it tough to get in my circle and many don’t make it in, but for those who are in it are forever protected by this sassy dancing chick until they do something to not deserve it.

My point of this ramble is that I have no problem admitting that I’m obsessed. I’m obsessed with music and with my friends. It is those two things in my life that I truly feel protected & protective. Dance on. Laugh on. Love on.

LOVING this song lately (specifically this remix) not only because Wynter Gordon’s voice is beautiful & it’s dancey, but I love songs that have lyrics that give me goosebumps, which this one does. I’m a little over half way done w/ my 2011 mix, so I’ll share that soon!

Advertisement